


Zircs Adopts a Cat

by DemyxDancer



Series: Professionals [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor, Little Homeworld, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, except it's Zircon gradually realizing that she's been claimed by a cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22963336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemyxDancer/pseuds/DemyxDancer
Summary: Rescuing a cat from a storm was a mistake. It has confusing needs, it’s not a good conversationalist, and worst of all, it seems to have the ability to turn Zircon starry-eyed and sentimental merely by acting cute.She is absolutely not keeping this cat, no matter what the other Crystal Gems think. It simply doesn’t make sense. The fact that she’d consider it at all is proof that cats have some kind of mind-bending powers that work on humans -- and, she supposed, on nervous, weak-willed Gem attorneys.
Series: Professionals [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573660
Comments: 81
Kudos: 88





	Zircs Adopts a Cat

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the least essential Steven Universe fanfic ever conceived. Nearly seven thousand words about a nervous lawyer adopting a cat.
> 
> This takes place in the same setting as _Professionals_ , but you don't need to have read that fic. This fic is most definitively canon, though.

Zircon was exhausted, practically dead on her feet, as she finally,  _ finally _ trudged to the warp that would take her home.

She had spent far too much time in her very least favorite kind of meeting: presenting her work on Era 3 reforms to a group of formerly elite Gems who still held considerable power. She had been the only one in the room who had ever been to Earth, and she had spent a frustratingly long amount of time explaining why neither bubbling nor imprisonment without food and water were appropriate punishments for a human transgression against a Gem. One particularly infuriating Pyrope simply could not wrap her head around the idea that food was not some sort of luxury that a human should simply learn to do without. 

It would be inappropriate for Zircon to slam her head against the desk in front of that group, so she simply had to save it until she was in the safety of her own office.

Zircon activated the warp to Little Homeworld, and almost immediately found herself drenched in cold water. It was the middle of the night, and there was a torrential downpour. Lightning flashed, briefly illuminating the square and causing Zircon to see spots. “Yes, of course,” she said to herself. “This is the perfect way to end the night.”

She could barely see anything in the gloom. The round lights lining the paths were swaying hard in the wind. Thankfully, she knew the way from the warp pad to the office tower blind. 

Just as she reached the main doors, a nearby bush shook violently. Zircon froze on the spot. It was no doubt one of the many harmless organics that she commonly saw in Little Homeworld. It had been years since the sight of a bird or squirrel sent her into a panic. Still, the combination of her exhaustion and the miserable weather conditions were not helping her to be rational about the situation.

The bush shook again and made a soft noise.

Against her better judgement, she very slowly approached the bush and peered inside. There was a small bundle of gray fur, soaked through from the rain. She immediately recognized this type of organic: a cat. Steven kept one in his home, a practice which she could not even begin to understand, and which she assumed was one of his many half-human quirks.

Zircon’s fear subsided. Small cats like these were largely harmless, she recalled. This one seemed to be as wet and miserable as she was, and was shaking to boot. Perhaps she should take her out of the rain…?

She recognized the old, familiar feeling of simultaneously realizing that something was a bad idea and that she was going to go through with it anyway.

“Hello, little one,” she said, softly, reaching her hand down. The cat backed away, almost into the building wall. “I’m not going to hurt you. Really.” The cat leaned forward tentatively and sniffed at her hand, then wiped her cheek against it. “I… don’t know what that means,” she said. “Do you want to get out of the rain?” The cat was looking up at her, her face unreadable. 

Zircon braced herself, reached out, and picked up the cat. She squirmed, but did not put up significant resistance as Zircon held her close to her chest -- keeping her away from her gem -- and opened up the door to the office tower.

“I don’t suppose I can just put you down here,” she said to the cat, as she pushed the button to summon the elevator. “It’d be irresponsible for me to turn you loose in the hallway. I suppose my office is the only choice. I didn’t think this through, did I?”

As soon as Zircon entered her office, the cat wriggled out of her arms and darted under the couch. “Are you hiding?” she said. “That’s a good hiding place. Sometimes I wish I could fit under there.”

She pulled a towel from a cabinet and dried herself off, then peered under the couch. “You don’t have to hide. I could dry you off. Why don’t you come out?” The cat remained in her spot. “You know, I’m not used to being the least nervous one in the room. You also don’t seem to listen to a word I have to say. You remind me a bit of Peridot.”

She was starting to realize that she didn’t have an actual endgame for this cat situation. She supposed the most sensible thing to do would be to deposit her back outside once the rain stopped, assuming she could extract her from her hiding place.

Since the cat was not budging, Zircon set the towel in a neat pile near the couch and settled down at her desk. She should probably get started on the paperwork for a few minor cases that were hopefully not actually going to court. 

Unfortunately, being stressed, tired, and distracted was not at all conducive to focus. After just a few minutes, she removed her monocle and rubbed at her eyes. Perhaps she should take a short nap, or read one of her murder mysteries. The paperwork could afford to wait.

She caught movement out of the corner of her eye. The cat jumped up onto the couch, stretched, and curled up into a ball.

Zircon scowled. She was making her couch wet.

It  _ was _ acceptable to have this thing in her office, right? She would hate to inadvertently harm an organic that had done nothing wrong. Her anxiety welled up as she watched the cat’s chest softly rise and fall. That was normal, wasn’t it? How could she even know?

Making herself temporarily responsible for a cat was a terrible idea, and when it came to terrible ideas, there was one obvious Gem to consult.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Peri!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Peri, this is an emergency.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I am serious.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I’ve potentially made a significant mistake and I could really use your thoughts.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I hope you’re not just watching TV or something.

**PERI5XG:** ZIRCS

**PERI5XG:** IS THIS WHAT IT’S LIKE WHEN I WON’T SHUT UP

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Yes. Yes, it is.

**PERI5XG:** SO WHAT’S THE EMERGENCY

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I have a cat in my office.

**PERI5XG:** REALLY???

**PERI5XG:** DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP CATCH HER OR SOMETHING

**CourtLawyerZircon:** No! I put her here on purpose, stars knows why.

**PERI5XG:** YOU ADOPTED A CAT?!

**PERI5XG:** YES THAT’S AWESOME!!!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I did not adopt a cat!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** This is a temporary arrangement until the storm passes.

**PERI5XG:** MAYBE IF YOU HAVE A CAT YOU’LL STOP TALKING TO THE MAINTENANCE ROBONOIDS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** First, do you understand what “temporary” means?

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Second, it’s just polite to thank them for their work.

**PERI5XG:** WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO NAME YOUR CAT

**PERI5XG:** I SUGGEST YOU NAME THE CAT, “PERCY”

**CourtLawyerZircon:** You don’t intend to be any help, do you?

**PERI5XG:** LAPIS THINKS YOU SHOULD NAME THE CAT, “STORMHAMMER THE DEATH KITTEN”

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Tell her that is absolutely ridiculous and not an actual name.

**PERI5XG:** SO IF THE CAT IS THERE ON PURPOSE WHAT’S THE EMERGENCY

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I have no idea how to keep an organic alive.

**PERI5XG:** WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME

**CourtLawyerZircon:** You have extensive experience with organics.

**PERI5XG:** THOSE ARE PLANTS ZIRCS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I know that!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** So, none of the skillset is similar, then?

**PERI5XG:** YOU DO KNOW WHAT A CAT IS RIGHT

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Yes, I know what a cat is!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Oh stars, maybe I don’t actually know what a cat is.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Peri, what if I kill her?

**PERI5XG:** DON’T PANIC, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO KILL HER

**PERI5XG:** WHY DON’T YOU TALK TO STEVEN? HE HAS A CAT.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** It’s 4am. Steven is half-human. He’s supposed to be sleeping.

**PERI5XG:** I REALLY DON’T THINK YOU’RE GOING TO SOMEHOW KILL THE CAT IN A FEW HOURS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I certainly hope you’re correct.

**PERI5XG:** GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW CAT

**PERI5XG:** I THINK SHE WILL BE SUPER GOOD FOR YOUR STRESS LEVELS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I am not keeping this cat!

**PERI5XG:** SURE ZIRCS

**PERI5XG:** SURE

Zircon glared at her phone. Peridot could be absolutely infuriating when she felt like it. 

She may as well send Steven a text.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Hello, Steven!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I realize it’s late, but could you please text me in the morning? It’s important.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Not fate-of-Gem-society important, just a small personal matter.

She put down her phone. The cat was still settled peacefully on the couch. She caught herself zoning out just watching her sleep.

Considering many humans kept cats as pets, it was possible that the Internet might have some useful resources. She hoped it wasn’t too niche a topic. She picked up her phone again and opened a search engine.

_ cat _

Okay, it was most certainly  _ not _ a niche topic.

_ will a cat die if left in an office overnight _

_ how to keep a cat alive _

_ cat food _

_ what is a litter box _

_ what do you do if you don’t have a litter box _

Zircon frowned and grabbed a cardboard box from a shelf, putting an old towel inside it. “I hope you weren’t planning on ruining my floor.” The cat did not acknowledge this.

She sat down on her couch near the cat, carefully so as not to disturb her. “You seem to have a  _ lot _ of needs. I’m not sure why humans go through all the trouble. You aren’t all that entertaining. You aren’t a good conversationalist. I suppose you’re decorative?”

She opened the search engine on her phone again.

_ why keep a cat _

The first few results were all about how owning and petting a cat is great for reducing anxiety. Peridot had said something similar. “Really? Is that what you’re for?” Zircon asked the cat.

She reached out her hand and very gently pet the cat. Her fur was still a little damp from the rain, but it was extremely soft. Zircon had to admit to herself that it was kind of nice.

Zircon suddenly drew her hand back as the cat twisted around and began to unexpectedly vibrate. “Oh stars, I broke her. What’d I do?”

_ why does a cat vibrate _

“‘Cats purr for many reasons, commonly to show affection,’” she read. “We just met and you want to be friends? You really are like Peridot.”

The cat stood up, put her paws on Zircon’s leg, and flopped over partially in her lap.

“That… really is  _ surprisingly _ warm and comforting.” She mock glared at the cat, trying to muster up her willpower to not get too attached to this thing. “This is how you trick humans into attending to your needs, isn’t it? Well, it’s not going to work on me. I’m a Gem. We’re made of much harder stuff.”

She realized she had started to absentmindedly pet the cat again without even noticing. “Okay, perhaps not me, personally. Stars, but you’re soft. Anyway, you don’t want to do this. You’d be stuck in a boring office with a boring Zircon. Is that really what you want? I suppose I could put up one of those climbing things in the corner, and hang some sparkly strings from my desk… if I were keeping you, which I am  _ not.” _

She continued her research as the cat purred at her side.

_ how to take care of a cat _

_ normal cat behavior _

_ cat toys _

_ catnip _

_ cat videos _

_ cute cat videos _

* * *

Zircon was startled into awareness by the buzzing of her phone, having apparently fallen asleep on the couch. She supposed she needed that after everything that had happened the night before.

There was a sudden jolt of panic as she remembered the cat, followed by relief as she spotted her laying in a sunbeam. It was morning, and the storm had passed, so she could put her outside again if she wanted. Hopefully Steven would have a better idea.

**Steven!:** Hey Zircs! Got your message

**Steven!:** What’s up

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Good morning, Steven! Thanks for getting back to me.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Last night, I took in a cat from the storm, and now I’m unsure as to how to proceed.

**Steven!:** You adopted a cat?

**Steven!:** That’s great! :D :D

**CourtLawyerZircon:** No, I’m not adopting her. 

**CourtLawyerZircon:** What should I do with her? Should I just put her back outside?

**Steven!:** No no don’t do that

**Steven!:** If she’s a stray she might need medical attention

**Steven!:** You should bring her to the house! I’ll help! :)

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I suppose I can do that if you’re free.

**Steven!:** I’m definitely free to meet your new cat :D

**CourtLawyerZircon:** You’re going to help me figure out what to do with her other than keep her, right?

**Steven!:** Sure!

Zircon looked at her phone, skeptical. 

She knelt down next to where the cat was sleeping in the sun. “Guess what, little one. You’re going to meet Steven. He’s a Diamond, so be respectful, but not too respectful, or he’ll tell you should lighten up.” The cat did not seem to care.

Transporting the cat in her arms seemed risky. What if she wiggled free?

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Good morning, Bis!

**BismuthTime:** hey good morning zircs whats up

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Do you happen to have a small cage, or could you make one?

**BismuthTime:** how small

**BismuthTime:** if peri is bothering you that much i could probably think of something for her to do 

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Ha ha ha. No, this would be a cage for a cat.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Just to be clear, I am not adopting this cat.

**BismuthTime:** that is quite a specific denial that nobody asked for 

**BismuthTime:** sure i can make you a cage

**BismuthTime:** give me twenty minutes

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Thank you! I really appreciate it.

**BismuthTime:** happy to help

**BismuthTime:** ill make sure its strong

**BismuthTime:** wouldnt want a cat astrophe

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Bis. That’s atrocious.

**BismuthTime:** good

* * *

The Crystal Gems’ beach house was quiet. Its only visible occupant was Amethyst, sprawled all over the couch with a notebook, looking as if an office supply store had exploded in a small radius around her. 

“Hello, Amethyst!” Zircon called as she stepped off the warp, newly minted cage in tow.

“Hey, Z! What’s up?” Amethyst pointed at the cage. “You have a cat?!”

“It’s not my cat!” Zircon gathered her patience. “She was out in the storm last night with only a bush for cover. I had to take her inside.”

“Sure,” said Amethyst.

“Steven said he was going to help me decide what to do with her.”

“So he’s going to show you how to take care of a cat?”

Zircon threw up the hand that wasn’t occupied with a cage. “Why does everyone assume I’m keeping this cat?”

Amethyst shrugged. “Dunno. Hey, you want me to tell Steven you’re here?”

“Sure, thanks.”

Amethyst bounced up the stairs and knocked on the door to Steven’s room. “Yo, Steven! There’s a huge nerd and her cat looking for ya!”

“Okay, tell her I’ll be down in a few minutes!”

“What are you working on, anyway?” asked Zircon. She couldn’t imagine what could warrant such a mess, but then again, it was Amethyst. 

“Ugh, it’s my least favorite part of Little Homeschool -- working out classes and schedules. Pearl’s supposed to be helping, but I guess she’s running late,” Amethyst said. “Hey, how come you never teach a class?”

“Me?” said Zircon. “I’m fairly busy, Amethyst. What would I even teach a class about?”

“I dunno. Law... stuff?” said Amethyst. “How to adjust to Earth when you’ve literally never been outside? How to take care of a cat?”

“I am  _ not _ keeping this cat!” said Zircon. “I guess I could consider your other ideas.”

The upstairs door opened, and Steven came down into the main living area. He seemed to be in a reasonably good mood, although there was a tiredness in his eyes. “Hi, Zircs! Cat!” He beelined to the cage. “Oh, she looks really sweet. And fluffy!”

“She is so soft, Steven!” said Zircon, stars in her eyes. “I couldn’t believe how soft this thing is!”

“Not your cat, huh?” said Amethyst. Zircon glared.

“She’s probably hungry. I’ll get her some food and water. We should also brush the tangles out of her fur. I put Cat Steven in my room to make sure they won’t fight, so you can go ahead and let her out.”

Zircon opened the cage door, and the cat took a few steps into the house, examining her surroundings. She ran over to Steven the second he had opened a can and she smelled the food.

“Stars, I guess she really was hungry,” said Zircon, watching the cat quickly wolf down the food. “I genuinely don’t understand how you deal with this whole ‘hunger’ and ‘eating’ thing. It seems so inconvenient!”

Steven shrugged, smiling. “I don’t understand how you go your entire life without pizza and ice cream.”

“I suppose you can’t miss what you’ve never experienced.”

Steven was holding a large flat brush. “Once the cat is done eating, can you hold her while I brush her fur?”

“Oh, sure!”

The cat was surprisingly well-behaved as Steven gently brushed the knots out of her fur. The process was making her coat somehow, impossibly, softer and fluffier.

“Steven, once we get this cat’s immediate needs squared away, what should my plan be?”

“Well,” said Steven, carefully removing a sticky bit of plant matter from the cat’s hair, “Ocean Town has an animal shelter with a vet on staff. The cat seems healthy, but you wanna make sure she has all her shots and everything. I could drive you there.”

“Are you sure?” said Zircon. “I don’t want to take up too much of your time with this nonsense.”

“It isn’t nonsense! And I didn’t really have anything planned for today.” Steven hesitated. “The shelter can also check to see if the cat belongs to anyone. She doesn’t have a collar, but she might have a chip, or someone might have called in asking about a missing cat.”

“I see,” said Zircon. “I didn’t consider that she likely belonged to a human already.”

“Maybe not, though! There’s a lot of stray cats that don’t belong to anybody. If that’s true, they’ll put the cat up for adoption. And then you could adopt her!”

“Steven…” Zircon looked down at the bundle of fluff in her lap. “I really shouldn’t keep this cat.”

“Why not?”

“I live in an office.”

“It’s a big office, though. You’ve got plenty of room.”

“I’m much too busy.”

“Cats are actually one of the best pets for people who don’t have a lot of time. They’re pretty low maintenance.”

“I have no idea how to properly take care of her.”

“We’d teach you! There’s also, like, a  _ lot _ of information on the internet.”

“So I’ve seen.” She absentmindedly began petting the cat just under her head. “Steven, she’s vibrating again!”

“That means she likes you!”

“This is the same thing she tried to pull last night. She settled herself in my lap and vibrated until I felt compelled to pet her. I’m certain this is how she tricks humans to care for her.”

Steven grinned. “Seems to work pretty well on Gems, too!”

Zircon scowled. “I’m onto your tricks, cat!” she said, pointing a finger at her face. The cat stretched a paw to lazily bat at her hand. “Oh no, that’s adorable. Steven, look!”

“Way to stand up to the cat, Zircs.” Amethyst laughed.

Just at that moment, the warp pad activated, spooking the cat and causing her to dart underneath the couch Amethyst was sitting on. Zircon scrambled to her feet and went after her.

“Hello, Steven, hello, Amethyst,” said Pearl. “Sorry I’m so late. The students had so many questions after my presentation that I just had to stay and answer them all!” She spotted Zircon on her hands and knees near the couch. “Oh, hello, Zircon. What are you doing…?”

“She’s trying to get her cat,” said Amethyst.

“It’s not my cat. Ow!” Zircon accidentally hit her head as she pulled it out from under the couch. “Hello, Pearl.”

“You have a cat?”

“Steven and Amethyst certainly seem to think so. So does the cat, actually.”

“Well, I hope you aren’t letting them pressure you into something like that. I never really understood the appeal of keeping organic lifeforms, myself.”

“Exactly! It doesn’t make any sense!”

“We could probably use these cat treats to get her to come out of hiding,” said Steven. 

He tossed the bag to Zircon, who fumbled trying to catch it. She picked it up and poured a few into her hand -- why did everything associated with these creatures smell so bizarre? -- and held it well away from the couch. The cat gradually emerged, sniffing the air, and gently took a treat. 

“She took the treat  _ right out of my hand!”  _ said Zircon, starry-eyed again. “And she’s vibrating again!”

“On second thought, never mind,” said Pearl. “That is most certainly your cat."

“Oh, not you, too,” said Zircon, scowling as she scooped up the cat. “I’d better get this thing back into her cage while I still have dignity left.” She turned to Amethyst, who was opening her mouth. “I realize what I just said, and you don’t need to supply any of the obvious comments.”

“Cool. Saves me the trouble,” said Amethyst, flipping through a notebook.

* * *

“Pearl was right,” said Steven, driving one Gem and one cat to the Ocean Town Cat Rescue. “I know I said that a cat was easy to take care of, but it’s also a responsibility. Don’t let us pressure you into something you don’t actually want.”

“I know that, Steven,” said Zircon. “I’m not going to make myself responsible for another living being just because you and Amethyst teased me.” She looked at the cage in her lap. “Apparently, I’m going to do it because this silly thing vibrated at me, which may be an even worse reason.”

“Wait, so you  _ are _ gonna keep her?”

“Unfortunately, I’m considering it.” Zircon sighed. “I really didn’t mean to get attached to some organic, but I’m conflicted about the idea of giving her up. Last night, I had an absolutely horrific four hour meeting with a bunch of elite Gems who don’t know the first thing about Earth, and I almost completely forgot about it because of this little one. That might be worth a little extra responsibility, don’t you think?” She looked out the window. “Also, it might be nice to come home to a friend. Beats talking to myself, anyway.”

Steven nodded. “Those are pretty good reasons. What would you name her?”

“Well, Lapis wanted to name her ‘Stormhammer the Death Kitten.’ I don’t think I’m doing that.”

“I don’t know, I think that’s a great name!” Steven laughed. “You could just call her ‘Stormy.’ It’s short for… whatever you just said, and you also found her in a storm. And she’s gray, like stormclouds!”

“I like that!” said Zircon. “Peri would think that’s boring, which makes it  _ perfect.” _

* * *

Zircon hauled her cage up to the counter of the Cat Rescue, Steven following closely behind. “Hello!” she said brightly to the woman behind the counter.

The woman did not seem to share her positive attitude. She seemed confused and perhaps even a little distressed. “Hello?” she said, eyes darting from Zircon to Steven and back again. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“I found this cat near my office in the storm last night, and we wanted to have her checked by a medical professional to make sure that she’s healthy. We’d also like to see if she has any owners who are searching for her.” She turned to Steven, who nodded.

“Oh, so you’re turning in a stray cat, then?” said the woman, sounding almost relieved. She peered in the cage. “You’ve made the right decision. We’ll take great care of her. She’s awfully cute and fluffy, so I bet we have no trouble adopting her out again.”

“Oh. Well. Good.” Zircon wasn’t sure how she had expected this to go, but this wasn’t exactly it. 

Steven nudged her. 

“Oh, um…”

“Yes?” said the woman.

Zircon hesitated. It was ludicrous that she was even considering this. Gems, even Gems who were reasonably well-adjusted to the Earth, had no business keeping an organic as a pet.

Unfortunately for her better judgement, she really, truly wanted to curl up with her little friend again and read a book after a long day working.

“I might be interested in adopting the cat myself, if she’s available.” 

Steven grinned.

The woman looked extremely uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, but we currently don’t adopt out our cats to… what I mean is, we have a policy that only humans are allowed to adopt our cats.”

“What?!” said Zircon and Steven in near-unison.

“I don’t mean any offense against  _ your kind, _ but we have a moral obligation to provide our cats with the best home possible, and we decided we’re going to need more time to evaluate whether Gems can be a good fit for our cats. I hope you understand. Maybe in a few years, when everyone’s adjusted to… the  _ situation…  _ more…”

“That’s discrimination!” Steven turned to Zircon. “Right?”

“Well, yes, it is  _ technically _ discrimination,” said Zircon, her mood sinking like a rock. “Unfortunately, I believe it’s discrimination she’s allowed to engage in.”

“I assure you, discrimination is not our goal!” said the woman, in an apologetic tone that seemed fake. “It’s all about providing the best possible home for our cats.”

“Well, then, can  _ I _ adopt the cat?” asked Steven.

“Are you eighteen or over?”

“Not… quite,” said Steven. “Zircs, maybe we should take the cat somewhere else…”

“It’s okay, Steven. I appreciate it, but it’s okay. This is probably for the best,” said Zircon.

“But --”

“I know you had me convinced it was a good idea, but really, what business does a Gem have with a cat anyway?” Zircon looked into the cage. “Goodbye, almost-Stormy. It was nice to meet you. I hope you find a good home that isn’t a law office.” The cat did not respond.

Zircon headed out the door, and Steven cast one last glare at the woman behind the counter before following after.

* * *

Zircon spent most of the ride home staring gloomily out the passenger window.

“That wasn’t right!” Steven was angry. “You would’ve been a great cat mom. She just had a thing against Gems for no reason!”

“We are basically aliens who invaded their planet,” said Zircon glumly. “I can understand why some humans are less than accepting.”

“Maybe you could sue her!”

“I’m not licensed to practice Earth law, and I doubt an Earth lawyer would take that case.”

“There has to be something we can do.”

“Look, Steven, I really appreciate your help with everything, and your driving me out here, but don’t you think maybe this was never going to work out?” Zircon sighed. “I shouldn’t have gotten attached. In fact, I shouldn’t have taken that thing inside in the first place. Well, I learned a valuable lesson, so at least today wasn’t entirely a waste.”

“I don’t think it was a mistake to take it inside. I’m sorry it turned out like this,” said Steven.

“Don’t be,” said Zircon. “It isn’t your fault. I got caught up in it too. Now I can stop being distracted by a cat and get back to more exciting things, like paperwork for an upcoming trial about warp pad safety regulations.”

“There are warp pad safety regulations?”

“Not enough, which is why we’re having the trial in the first place. Some poor Ruby got her Gem cleaved right in half by an improperly installed warp pad.”

“That can happen?!”

“Not if we improve the regulations!” said Zircon. “So it’s a good thing I don’t have a cat to distract me, right?”

“I guess,” said Steven.

* * *

“Zircs! Where in the stars have you been?”

“Um… here?” Zircon quickly clicked off her phone and set it on her desk.

“I haven’t heard anything from you since you told me what happened with the cat,” said Peridot. “You haven’t been moping this entire time, have you?”

“It’s only been a day, and no, of course not. I have lots of work to do.”

Peridot was giving her a skeptical eye. “You didn’t have any of your screens up when I came in. Were you actually working?”

“Of course I was -- hey!” 

Peridot levitated Zircon’s phone into her hands and clicked it back on, then looked up at Zircon in disbelief. “You haven’t just been moping, you’ve been sitting here watching TubeTube videos of cats.”

“It’s soothing!” said Zircon.

“Okay, I  _ need _ to get you out of the office for a while. What’s something we could do to take your mind off this?”

“I don’t need to get out of the office, Peri. I’m fine,” said Zircon, as she slowly collapsed into a despondent heap on her desk. 

“Yeah, that is not the face of a Gem who is fine.” Peridot hoisted herself up to sit on Zircon’s desk. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Peridot impatiently tapping her knees with her hands. Finally, she ventured… “So you really were attached to that cat, huh?”

“I don’t know why!” said Zircon, suddenly quite animated. “I had that thing for less than a day and I didn’t even really want it! But then when I came back home, it was like my office was so… empty.” She leaned back in her chair. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. You know what this is, Peri? This is Earth madness.”

“Well, we have established you have a particularly bad case of Earth madness.”

“You’re the expert on that, Peri,” said Zircon. “I’m convinced that cats have mind-bending powers that make you love them. Or maybe some kind of spores contained in their fur, that are released when you touch it. Their soft, warm fur.”

“Maybe we could just get you a different cat?” 

Zircon fixed Peridot with an intensely withering glare.

“Okay, maybe not!” Peridot was thinking. “Maybe just give it time? I’m sure the mind-bending spores or whatever will wear off eventually -- or, you know, you’ll eventually just forget about this whole thing.” She hopped off the desk. “That’s why we should accelerate the whole forgetting process by getting you thoroughly distracted with video games. Not just any video games -- video games that require no reflexes and are way too overcomplicated.”

“I do like those,” said Zircon. “Okay, I suppose. It’d be better than sitting around watching TubeTube.”

“That’s the spirit!” said Peridot. “Well, relatively. We’ll work on that.”

* * *

Zircon returned to her office and immediately thought about how nice it would be to have a companion to greet her when she walked through the door. She felt almost guilty that she had spent several hours mired in distractions in Peridot’s lair, only to have all that “work” undone the second she left.

She supposed it really would just take time. There was nothing for it now but to try to get some work done.

The fact that her latest case was filled with photos and descriptions of catastrophic warp pad failures was not helping her mood.

She was relieved when a sudden knock on the door gave her a valid excuse to put the case down for a minute. “Come in!” she called.

She was a little surprised to see Greg Universe, Steven’s father. She had met him before, of course, but had never really interacted with him outside of small talk. “Hello, Mr. Universe,” she said, putting on her pleasant and professional face. “How can I help you today?”

“Actually, I’ve got a special delivery for you!” said Greg. “Steven told me he needed an adult human being to spring a friend out of prison.”

“Prison…?” Zircon said, confused. She noticed the plastic carrying case he was holding. “Wait…”

“This  _ is _ your cat, right?” Greg said, opening up the case. A familiar bundle of gray fur emerged. “I sure hope so.”

“Yes!” Zircon practically shrieked, scooping up the cat and giving her a hug. The cat wriggled out of her grasp and flopped over in a nearby sunbeam. “But how did you… and  _ why…?” _

“Steven told me what happened. He said you were pretty broken up about it. I guess Peridot messaged him too? We figured if all you needed was a human to go adopt her from the shelter, why don’t I just go get her?”

“Thank you  _ so much,” _ said Zircon, trying not to let tears well up in her eyes. “How can I repay you?”

“Oh, you don’t need to repay me. It’s not every day I get to reunite a pet with her owner, you know?” Greg grinned. “Also, it probably can’t hurt to have a lawyer owe me a favor.”

“You know I’m not licensed to practice Earth law?”

“Eh, I’m sure I’ll get in trouble with Gems at some point.”

“Fair enough,” said Zircon. “If that ever happens, you can absolutely come get me, okay?”

“It’s a deal!” said Greg. “You, uh, do know how to take care of the cat, right?”

“Well,” said Zircon, “I did a lot of research on the internet, and I’ve compiled some preliminary documents on the subject.” She began pulling up various screens. “This is a list of all the supplies I’d need to obtain, along with a schedule of how often they’d need to be replenished. This is a list of common problems and solutions, and this is a care sheet I wrote up in case I need Peri to look after her when I’m in Homeworld, and this is a potential layout of where I could put the various necessities in my office --”

“Oh, geez, never mind. You’re more prepared for this cat than I was for my kid.”

“You mean Steven?” asked Zircon. “He was a Diamond, right? I’m sure he could practically take care of himself.”

Greg laughed. “Yeah, that’s… not... Anyway, I should probably be getting back to the car wash. Have fun with your new cat!”

“Thanks again!” said Zircon, waving him out.

Zircon sat next to the cat, who had stretched out in the patch of sun coming from the office’s large window. “Well, what do you think?” she asked. “I certainly hope this was what you were trying to accomplish, because now you seem to be stuck with me.”

The cat twisted around to lick at its paws.

“I sense ambivalence. That’s understandable. I’m not always sure if I want to live with me either.”

The cat had, at some point since Zircon had last seen it, obtained a deep blue collar with a little silver tag hanging off it. She carefully reached out and took a look at what was engraved on the tag: STORMY.

She flipped it over, and saw in small text: “If found, please return to Blue Zircon 6GN, Little Homeworld.”

“That’s so thoughtful!” Zircon exclaimed to the cat, who was thoroughly engrossed in grooming herself. “That must have been Steven’s idea. I’m going to have to do something to thank him properly for all of this.”

Her phone buzzed. She picked it up off the desk.

**MorphWitchConnie:** Hi Zircs!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Hello, Connie!

**MorphWitchConnie:** Steven told me you got a cat!

**CourtLawyerZircon:** That certainly appears to be the case. It was mostly thanks to him and his father.

**MorphWitchConnie:** You have to show me the cat! Do you have pictures?

**MorphWitchConnie:** Or if the cat’s there, could I video call you so I can see?

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Sure!

A second later, Zircon accepted the incoming call.

“Cat! I wanna see the cat!” said a smiling Connie.

Zircon obligingly turned the phone to to Stormy, who was still sunning herself. 

“Aww, she’s so cute! She looks so soft and fluffy! I want to pet her!”

“Well, you’re welcome to visit,” said Zircon.

“Like right now?” said Connie.

“I don’t see why not,” said Zircon, “although I do need to run out and get supplies sooner rather than later. It’s a good thing I have some Earth money. Are you interested in helping pick out cat toys?”

“Yes!” said Connie, enthusiastically. “Hold on, I’m gonna go tell my mom where I’m going.” The video chat pointed at the floor and bounced up and down as Connie walked somewhere. “Mom, I’m going to Little Homeworld, okay?”

“How’s your college applications coming along?”

“I just finished up my first draft of my basic admissions essay. I was going to do an editing pass later.”

“Well, okay, then.” There was a pause. “Are you going to see that little green one? I worry about her.”

“You mean Peridot? No, I’m visiting Zircon. She just got a new cat.”

“Oh, is that the semi-responsible one? Well, go have fun, but try to be back before dinner.”

The phone bounced some more as Connie walked somewhere else before appearing on the video call again.

“The  _ semi- _ responsible one?” asked Zircon, amused.

“Compared to Peridot,” said Connie.

"That makes it worse!"

“Hey, that's pretty good coming from my mom, you know. See you soon!”

* * *

“...so Steven’s just  _ covered _ in burrito toppings, and there are birds  _ everywhere. _ Steven’s trying to like, bubble all the birds to get them out of the shop, and I’m trying to help, but I’m laughing my butt off.” Amethyst and Zircon stopped in front of one of the classroom doors. “So that was hilarious, but now we’re both banned from the torta place. It sucks because their tortas were really good.”

“Amethyst, I’ll be honest, I followed maybe half of that story.”

“Eh, that’s okay. Ready to teach your first class?”

“Of course!” said Zircon, straightening her posture. “If I can present a case in front of the Diamonds, I think I can handle a presentation in front of… a lot of Gems I know…” Her voice faltered slightly.

“You got this, Z!” said Amethyst. “Break a leg!”

“What?!”

“It’s a human thing, you don’t actually break your leg. It just means like… knock ‘em dead!”

“What?!”

“Good luck. It means good luck.”

“These metaphors seem unnecessarily violent,” said Zircon, adjusting her monocle. “Thanks again for helping me put this together. I’d better go in.”

The classroom was full, and included half a squad’s worth of rowdy Quartz soldiers. The din of talking and laughing was extremely loud. Zircon looked around, hoping they’d notice she was there and ready to start the class. The only one who did was Blue Pearl, who was sitting quietly in the front corner, and who gave her a small wave.

Zircon clapped her hands together. “Class is starting!” she said in her best authoritative voice. There was zero response.

She sighed, gathered her resolve, and climbed up onto the desk at the front of class. “HEY!” she shouted, as loud as she could manage.

This time, the chattering mostly stopped and Gems turned to look. Blue Lace Agate waved from the back of the room. “Hey, Blue Z!”

“Hi, Blue Lace. I hope everyone is ready to get started?” she asked as she climbed off the desk and slid a data crystal into the classroom projector. “As you may know, Little Homeworld has partnered with a cat rescue based out of Keystone to do a trial run for a kitten fostering program that will pair cats with Gems. A Gem that does well in the program and wishes to adopt their cat will be allowed to do so. This class is a mandatory requirement for participating in the program, which is why I’m sure you’re all here. I’ll have a lot more details later in the presentation, but for now, are there any questions?”

The class was attentively listening, except for one or two Gems in the back who were typing something on their phones. So far, so good.

“We’ll cover a lot of important topics, like how to choose appropriate cat food, and why you shouldn’t stash your cat in your coat and smuggle her into a Homeworld courtroom, no matter how late you’re running for a trial. First lesson: What  _ is _ a cat?”

She clicked on the projector. “This is my cat, Stormy. I’ve had her for about four months now. As you can see, she is a quadrupedal organic with soft fur and sharp claws at the ends of her legs.” She clicked forward. “This is her sleeping. And this is her playing with a piece of string. And this is her after I gave her some catnip. Look at her eyes, this was  _ too funny. _ And this is her playing with a laser pointer -- you seriously have to get a laser pointer, you won’t believe how Stormy reacted to it. I tried to put a video on this slide, but I couldn’t figure out how --”

“Um, excuse me?” said a Cherry Quartz towards the front of the class. “Is this part of the class?”

“...not strictly, no.” Zircon quickly clicked through eight more pictures of Stormy. “Second lesson: Why have a cat? Humans will tell you it’s for companionship. You may be wondering how a creature that can’t even talk can provide any form of companionship. I wondered that myself, but let me tell you -- having an organic friend to hold and pet when you come home after a long day is one of the greatest joys of the Earth.” 

Zircon looked around the classroom. Everyone seemed to be more or less paying attention now. She really, really hoped that this trial was a success -- not just because she quietly wanted to stick it to that woman in Ocean Town who thought Gems couldn’t take care of cats, but also because she hoped everyone else was going to love their new friends as much as she loved hers. 

It would also help her test her hypothesis about the mind-bending spores, so that was another plus.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to Glowbug, who suggested the idea that Zircs should get a Roomba to talk to, thus inspiring this story.


End file.
